Friday, January 31, 2014

Mourning in foster care

Mourning in foster care is everywhere. Children are ripped from their homes, and have to mourn that. Their parents have to mourn what could have been, and deal with their choices.
Foster parents have to mourn with the children, and when they leave- there is a special kind of mourning that isn't talked about much.

I read all sorts of blogs, and I have lots of Mom friends. Something that I have come across is the lack of compassion when a Mother loses her child to miscarriage. It's a quiet loss. It's a significant loss. And it's something that has been Taboo. Many women feel lost. Their friends and family don't know how to respond, and sometimes end up saying the wrong thing. And I have read all of these blogs, and taken all of it to heart. I never want to seem insensitive to another Mommy who is grieving.

And today I sit here, mourning my own loss. I lost two amazing kids. They were twins. They took my heart and shook it up. We were on the path to adoption. And now they are no longer in my home.

They have not died. They are in other homes. They had to leave my home because of their own choices, and I had to make that decision to protect my family.

But for 6 months (4 for one of the twins, who left before his sister) I considered them MY CHILDREN. I made plans for them. We painted their rooms. We planned for vacations for next year. I purchased a new car based on what their wants and needs were, not just my younger children.

And November, when R left- I was broken. It was the worst month of my life. Not only because of that, but because of the pain she inflicted (we were investigated due to allegations she had made) and then because of the passing of my Mother in Law.

And because of all the pain she caused me and my family, no one wants to talk about how much I miss her. No one wants to talk about the mourning I am going through. I am still a Mom. I have 3 amazing kids. I go through with my day, and admittedly it's a lot easier without her here.

But SHE WAS MY KID. I loved her (and still do) with ALL OF MY HEART. When she left my home she took a piece of my heart with her. I worry about her daily. I have chosen to distance myself and limit contact for a variety of reasons, but I think daily of something I want to tell her, or show her. Something that might make her laugh, or reminds me of our time together.

I know that she is 12, and she made some VERY serious allegations. I know that she could not stay in my home, and I don't regret the choices we made. But I MISS HER. I miss being her Mom. I miss embarrassing her and watching her be a cheerleader. I miss cheering her on and trying to prove to her that SHE IS WORTH IT.

And no matter how much people remind me that this is for the best, I still feel like a part of me is missing.
Please stop pretending like this is no big deal. Stop pretending like I should just expect it because "I knew what I was getting into." I love a child. I was her parent. I am not anymore. That hurts. Just let me deal with it. Stop ignoring it. Stop pretending like she was never here. She was here. She was a part of this family. She is a part of me, and always will be.

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